I’m in such a strange place. I just don’t know what to do.
Aside from being severely underpaid my job is underwhelming as hell. I can get a week’s worth of work done in just a few hours. I have no weekly challenges for my job. And because of that, I have checked out from it. Mentally, that is. I put no effort into anything. There’s no passion. No fervor. I just come in, sit for 8 hours, pretend to work and leave. It’s a terrible existence. And yes, it’s a job but I don’t want to just “work”. I want to have a purpose. And I don’t have that here.
So a logical person would say, “Okay Brit…hate your job? Why not get a new one?”
Makes sense, right? Except I don’t want another job. I don’t want to work for anyone. I don’t want to trade this job in for another in which I HAVE to come in a certain time and HAVE to answer to someone. Where I have to pretend to sound engaging on phone conferences and act as if I am sooooo interested when someone is talking to me. I don’t want to work for anyone. And that cripples me from actually applying to jobs.
Esposo and I can’t afford for me to NOT work. It’s not an option really. We need the medical insurance and I don’t ever want to be a woman that doesn’t contribute financially to her family. I just don’t. It’s not in my character. And even if I were to quit today, I WOULD be able to bring in something. Clumps makes decent money. But Esposo wouldn’t like it. We both know I NEED a full-time job now.
I’ve become miserable and uncentered at this job. Sometimes I stare at my cubical wall aimlessly. Trying not to cry. Thinking of things to make me laugh. It’s quite reminiscent of my previous job. Except there I was working for Cruella DeVille with an afro.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to stay. But I don’t want to go anywhere else.
I guess what I’m really saying is
I just want to be free.
P.S.
Remember that cruise to the Bahamas Esposo and I went to? He ended up breaking his leg 20 minutes after we got off of that cruise. He was in a scooter accident. He couldn’t walk and so we stayed in that vessel all day and all night. Unable to go anywhere because it’s not easy navigating a wheelchair on a vessel. Yah.
In a few months I’ll be signing my THIRD lease here in Orlando, Florida. I can’t believe I’ve been here going on 5 years. How crazy. I’ve lived in 4 apartments, had 3 roommates, 2 jobs and dated and married 1 fantastic man.
Saw the countdown I did there? Hahaaa! I’m so cheesy.
Esposo and I are house hunting and I’m hoping it goes well. We need a 4 bedroom place but I’m willing to settle on a 3 bedroom. We’ll have our room, his studio and my playroom. Would loooove to have a guest room, but of course, it’s not a necessity.
I have my 1-year review for my job and of course that means it’s time to look for another one. I’ve enjoyed the title and experience but I need more money. Period. There is no way I can ever save up for the new home, move to the D.C. area AND pay off all my loans with the crappy pay I get now.
I checked my credit score a few weeks back and O-M-G….it’s good! Actually, it’s great. I’m so proud of myself. I consolidated one of my credit cards and have plans to pay it off before the end of the year. Which will be a huuuuuge relief. Hopefully we can actually make it to Vegas for the upcoming new year.
Things are good. Things are decent. I’m loosing weight. At least I think so. I’ve been going to the gym no less than 3 times a month for the past month and a half. I’m back in the zone and it feels good.
I was on birth control for an entire 2.5 weeks before I decided to trash them. I will never be on them again. Granted I didn’t have any major symptoms (well…except ZERO libido, spotting and random dizzy spells) but in my soul, my spirit, my entire being…I just knew that I couldn’t do it. I feel SOOOO much better not being on it. So much better. Condoms and the fertility awareness method it will be for me.
I’m thinking about going to NYC for The Makeup Show. I REALLY want to go. It’s been awhile and with Clumps turning 5 in the summer, I just feel like I need to make some changes and do some networking. We’ve got to go to Ohio in June for my grandma’s 91st birthday. And we move in May. So it’ll be a hectic time but hopefully I can make it happen.
In a few days, Esposo and up will be jumping on a cruise to the Bahamas. Can’t wait. We need it. He’s been working like a mad man and I soooo could use some sun. Yep, I tan. As dark as I am. Sure do. The sun is rejuvenating. So rejuvenating.
Off I go. It’s almost 5 around here and I’ve still got some work to do.
So remember that time I eloped and 80% of my family hated me for it?
Yeah well…they still hate me. I’ve heard from my Dad ONCE since I got married 2 months ago. And that was on my birthday. My Dad usually calls me a few times a week just to say hello. My younger sister does too. As does one of my other sisters.
But now no one gives half a darn about me. The realization hurts. How is it that my parents-in-law and mother can send me birthday gifts and my Dad just calls to say “Happy birthday? Okay gotta go…bye.”
Wow.
It used to be gifts and cards and trips. Now it’s half-ass phone calls.
When I think about it, it makes me cry.
I used to be that daughter and sister that made everyone proud. Everyone bragged about it and the things I was doing. My sisters were proud of me. They looked up to me. But my elopement changed it all.
It also confuses me because I still fail to see how my marriage could possibly drive my family away from me. It’s the weirdest thing.
The other day Esposo said he’d love to have some nieces and nephews. I told him I would too. He only has one sister. She is a lesbian and has expressed that she will never marry or have kids. And then there’s my 3 sisters. Something tells me that if they ain’t talking to me now, the likeliness of us being BFFs when they become mothers is slim to none. So the only nieces and nephews I will have will come from my friends.
Time heals all wounds. Perhaps in a few months or years things will change. Maybe. Maybe not. Still. It hurts now.
zmagasupergirl asked: About the pills - stop worrying! Remember - it's all in your mind. You have to control your thoughts, stop thinking about everything that can go wrong. Also, it is a fact that you are stopping pregnancy, but it is also a fact that you should have children when you are sure you have mental and financial funds for raising them: the most important thing for a child is for him to know that he is wanted and loved. This is not something that you should rush, so don't worry, you are doing okay.
Thank you, sweetums. I’m just extra paranoid. I’m like that about most drugs but birth control is such a Catch 22 for me. Aggghhhh! I’ll get over it eventually. XOXO
1. The work restroom is a sanctuary. It’s kinda funny/sad that the same place where folx drop turds (that word always cracked me up) is where a lot of us gals go to find solace during hectic work days. Three times this week I’ve walked in on 3 different women doing the most in the restroom.
-One was on the phone and crying uncontrollably (Been There)
-Another was standing at sink laughing at at a video on her phone (Been There)
-The other was staring mindlessly at herself in the mirror (Definitely Been There)
God knows how much I value peace in the restroom. So much so that he lead me to an abandoned one on the 3rd floor. I love that place. I believe I’m one of the few ladies in the building that uses it because the toilet seats are always up - indicating that they have been cleaned. It’s a beautiful place. A wave of respite instantly flows over me the instance I walk in. Sounds dramatic but I’m for serious.
2. What do you call someone who whenever the “big boss” rolls around to act like he cares what everyone is doing suddenly disappears? Me. I loathe talking to the big boss. He is so unbelievably fake. And I seem to be the only one that picks up on that. His voice, his face…everything about him makes me skin crawl. He just has that look, ya know?
3. I started birth control on the 1st of the month. Please Dear God, let my uterus still be intact. Please make me forget all about those horrible reviews of the pill I read online. Especially the ones that said that this brand is known for making gals suicidal and depressed. I actually cried the moment I swallowed the pill. Just knowing that I’m preventing a potential birth freaks me out. Of course I’m not ready to be pregnant, but still. I’ll be on this wretched pill for two years max and after that Esposo and I will be finding natural ways to prevent pregnancies or be the black Duggar’s. I’m not even kidding. Tampering with my reproductive system like this makes me just…ugh. I can’t even talk about it.
4. I start a knitting class on Saturday. Of course I don’t have room for an extra hobby but I don’t feel right unless I’m overwhelmed. Cyeah!
5. I love Florida but I can’t wait to leave. Esposo and I are diligently saving up to get to the DMV in the next year or two. And then after that I want to move out of the country. But somewhere that doesn’t have super high shipping costs. You know…so I can still get my beauty stuffs.
….I was already weary about how it was going to turn out.
But it was actually pretty good. The first two nights were rough. As sweet as she, my Mother-in-Law tried so hard to get the house cleaned up of the Hoarder tendencies of my Father-in-Law. It didn’t work. Esposo and I were cramped into a tiny room filled with boxes and no bed. We ended up sleeping on a 2-inch mattress thingy that came from the attic. In fact, the only place that wasn’t cluttered in that house was the bathroom.
Thankfully.
By Day 3 and after a trip to DC, my favorite restaurant and some museums, I was in better spirits. On Christmas Day we went to Esposo’s Aunt’s house where I met his Grandmother and more relatives. Everyone was soooooo welcoming. We received cards (ahem..and checks too. Heyyyy!), prayers and hugs. I actually had a really good time.
I like my new family. Everyone is full of laugher.
I can’t lie though….I’m kinda sad that my Dad didn’t call me on Christmas Day. I called them and didn’t get an answer but geez….did he not even think of me? *sigh* My elopement continues to cause problems. I sent a gift card to my younger sister who called to thank me. Which made me feel good. She’s the only sister of mine who has NOT hated me since I got married. Still. My Mom’s love and support through it all has been needed and appreciated.
It works most times. Today I’m struggling. My gyno called me in reference to my appointment last week and I have a bacterial infection. Nothing major. An antibiotic will get rid of it. The problem is, the antibiotic will more than likely result in a yeast infection. AND the bacteria may come back. It’s one of those reoccurring things. I also have another issue but the gyno says I have to treat one at a time. Neither issues are sexually transmitted.
They are just proof that my body hates me.
Which I’ve already known but my goodness…can my vagina give me a break? So many “issues” and so little money/patience. It makes me sad. I’m doing the best I can to stay healthy and it just sucks that no matter what I do…I am still a victim to….mess.
I know I’ll get over it but still…it’s a lot to handle. Esposo has been supportive and understanding but he’s a man. He’ll never know what it’s like to know that your body has so many chronic issues. Issues that may make conceiving difficult. I think about that, you know. I try not to because it makes me sad but I think about it.
Anyway.
I don’t want anything for Christmas. People keep asking me and if they could purchase “good health”, that would be all I’d want.
Anyway.
Prepping up to go to Maryland and I still haven’t purchased any winter clothes. Lame. This Christmas is 10x better than last year’s but I still feel some kinda way about not having enough money to get nice gifts. Granted I’d only be getting gifts for my Mom and husband but still…I can only afford small-scale stuffs.
I’m a little down and I thought writing this post would help but nope…
As a Capricorn, I am slow to change. While I can accept it, it takes time. And I don’t always have a positive attitude about it either. Unforgivingly so.
For one thing - I’m getting on birth control. I went to the gyno yesterday and there is clearly something wrong with me. This 2-periods a month thing isn’t good and he thinks these birth control pills will help. Quite frankly, I have no problem whatsoever with menstruating twice a month. Especially with my discover of the menstrual cup. BUT - obviously the doctor knows more than me. I made the mistake of looking at some reviews of the brand that I was prescribed and scared myself even more. Most of the reviews say that this brand brings about anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Of course meds work differently among different people but still. I’m scared as crap to take it. I don’t want to. But for once in my life, I will push my stubborn attitude aside and do what I’ve been told. Plus, Esposo says I don’t have a choice. He says I need to take it and to stop messing around with my health. Fine. It just sucks. I feel so helpless. The one thing I’ve been against for so long, I have to take. Excuse me if I feel a little defeated right now.
But on a good note, according to Foursquare, I’ve been to the gym 5 weeks in a row. That’s some kind of record for me. Within the past year I’ve been so off and on with going and I’m glad I’m being consistent again. I’ve been working out during my lunch break on some days and it just feels….so good. So good. My stamina is getting where it used to be. I can now run half a mile again and plank for over a minute without dying. A month ago I couldn’t do that. I still “feel” fat though so I’ve got a long way to go.
Next week is Maryland and I am so not prepared. Especially financially. Hustler mode has been kicked in and I am doing all kinds of random jobs to get $50 here and $100 there. Selling ad space, writing articles, baby sitting…anything. The extra funds will help buy Esposo and I some winter wear because we ain’t got none. None.
Work is so boring. Sometimes I just want to take my computer and sit outside on the gazebo. It’s really the environment that makes me stir crazy. Satan designed cubicles.
I want to do this 2011 ending thing but I think I’ll save that for next week.
